This is dedicated to you, whatever has brought you here.

I began these writings because I needed a place to mourn,  a space to allow all the grief that has been habitually, but unwillingly, suppressed in me to flow out.  Yet, I don’t want this to simply be a self-indulgence:  I want to offer something.  Each entry is an expression of grief, some clouded in sadness, many speckled with humour, all ending with a lesson:  Lessons that I have learned from my perspective as a physician, mother, dancer, teacher, lifelong nerd and aging human. Perhaps the lessons I have (often painfully) learned will shed some light on your own experiences (and maybe help to understand your own pain).

Mourning requires space, time and permission.  This is not easy, especially when access to the permit is denied from within.  I am excellent at giving detailed descriptions and explanations about and for my grief, but very poor at allowing the actual process of grieving to ensue.  In a recent and timely discussion with a close friend, she referenced an entry from Rebellious Mourning (edited by Cindy Milstein), “The process of grief is the acknowledgement of the event, but the process of mourning is transformation”. I am not afraid to acknowledge nor recount painful events, but a part of me fears risking the relinquishing of control and containment, drowning in a raging sea of emotions and memories, the shame of unravelling in messy expression. At the same time, another part of me remains unafraid, knowing that it is to these dark places we must go to be illuminated once again from within.

I am no stranger to sadness. It is there with me everyday. At different times in my life, it has sunk me into cold, dark isolation chambers of fear-riddled misery; disorienting experiences that blurred the present with distorting memories of the past. Reliving painful betrayals.

To allow yourself to mourn is to embrace yourself with love. Permitting yourself to mourn is a step towards transcending pain, shedding fears and releasing the grip of the past.